New Year’s Reflections

Lord, help me be all You want me to be

Help me find what You have in mind for me.

Let me look to You

In all I do;

Help me be all You want me to be.

~Go For the Goal!

Who am I, really? Probably every person on the planet asks themselves that question. Each of us goes through a journey of self-discovery on the road of life, and for the Christian, it involves finding God’s purpose for us in this life, in preparation for our Eternal one.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, not least of which has been the ongoing study of fashion and how it affects one’s looks, and as a tool for self-expression. It’s fascinating, learning how the right colors can bring an otherwise dull complexion to life, or how certain styles can enhance the best features of even the most “awkward” figure, while gently downplaying the perceived “faults.” How certain styles, colors, and embellishments can reflect one’s personality. There’s nothing wrong with this, in and of itself…but to obsess over one’s looks is not only wicked; it’s unhealthy. To elevate the outward appearance to such an important status that it overshadows the inner being—the character and heart-attitudes that are of more worth to God than mere looks—can bring a load of grief. Stress and anxiety from self-imposed standards (admittedly gleaned from the media of our society). Depression that one doesn’t fit the mold of what the world deems “attractive.” Spending money on clothes (or materials to make them) in hopes that they will somehow bring happiness and beauty to one’s life. (And in my case, added to the mix is the delusion that by dressing similarly to my favorite fictional characters, I could somehow be like them, a part of the world they live in.)

I’ve been there, and it’s not fun.

This has resulted in boxes overflowing with potential sewing projects—many of them fabulous and exciting…but not especially practical outside ComiCon or a Ren Fest. (And now that there’s a bit more of me than there was at eighteen, some styles I’ve chosen aren’t even flattering anymore.) You’ve heard me mention the “ginormous pile of sewing” looming over me for many years—usually as a joke, but with a real undercurrent of stress…which has often affected my health and threatened my sanity. I’m convinced this is NOT what God intended when He gave me my imagination, my powers of analysis and creativity, and ability to work with my hands.

By God’s grace, I was FINALLY able to whittle down my sewing and alterations this year. I’m gradually developing a better sense of my personal style—slowly separating the fantastical dreams from the pretty-but-practical Reality.

I’m tired of obsessing over my looks and my wardrobe. Tired of trying to look like an Elf, or a Hobbit-lass, or a Disney Princess, or even a heroine from my own books. I’m even getting tired of trying to do my hair in elegant updos and romantic curly styles…only to end up with Anna’s Bed-head or Bad ’80s Frizz at the end of the day. I’m tired of trying to be pretty and ending up looking awkward and overdressed.

In other words, I’m tired of trying to be something I’m not and making myself miserable. It’s time to stop play-acting, find out exactly who I am and what that looks like, and be content. And if that means T-shirts instead of peasant blouses, knits and rayon instead of chiffon and lace, and “normal/modern” styles instead of Regency frocks and female Robin Hood-esque ensembles…then so be it.

She wears short skirts,

I wear T-shirts—

Um, Anton?

She wears high heels,

I wear sneakers—

Pixie….

She’s cheer captain, and—

I’M ON THE BLEACHERS!!!

I’m ashamed we even know that song….

Thanks a HEAP, you guys. :-P

Aw, you were being so serious; we just had to liven things up a bit.

We thought we’d end your post on a happy note. *Silvery laugh* :-D

*Eyeroll* Or a silly one. Aw well, I appreciate the thought, anyhow.

Anyroad, I believe God is slowly showing me who I really am—gradually stripping away the veneers and masks I’ve put on over the years. Telling me it’s OK if I can’t look like my favorite characters—I can still enjoy them. That I don’t have to dress like my alter ego and other heroines from my own books in order to bring their stories to life. That dressing myself one way and my heroines another way isn’t hypocrisy; it’s realistic.

You’re being serious again.

Because this is a serious subject, sirrah. Stop interrupting.

*Salutes* Yes, sir, ma’am!

My head is full of goofballs. :-P

I sense that 2017 will be a year of change and discovery…a year of letting go of the misconceptions I’ve formed about myself and what defines and enriches my life…and perhaps about others, too. A year of doing, not just dreaming. And I know that, with God’s help, it will be.

Until next time, Gentle Readers,

God bless,

~R~